


I Promise You Tomorrow

by Mystrana



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, impending doom, probably qualifies as "angsty"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-02-10 10:06:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2020974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystrana/pseuds/Mystrana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night before Captain America and the Howling Commandos plan to intercept Arnim Zola's train, Bucky is having trouble sleeping as he reflects over his relationship with Steve and Steve's relationship with Peggy. He realizes he has to sit down and talk with Steve - soon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This little ficlet is the result of me listening to too much of The Birthday Massacre's music. Don't get me wrong; I love their songs. It's just that they put scenes like this in my head and make me very, very sad. So I thought I'd share because I'm such a nice person like that... you're welcome. x_x
> 
> You don't HAVE to listen to the song to get the full effect, but I would recommend at least giving it one listen.

Lights out / Boys sleepwalking on the weekend  
Black out / Two nights killing off a best friend

Fall out like soldiers walking off the deep end  
Hands out  
Don’t stop marching til the hearts rend

The Birthday Massacre - Weekend

 

“It was easier back when I could just hold you and know you needed me,” Bucky said, but he didn’t really say it out loud. His treacherous thoughts only felt loud enough that he was sure, somehow, Steve was hearing them.

But Steve lay beside him, on his own sleeping bag, silent except for the soft, steady rise and fall of his breath, no longer punctuated by the harsh wheezes Bucky remembered all too well from previous winters back in their Brooklyn apartment. Bucky exhaled as loudly as he dared, running his hand through his short cropped hair. It wasn’t his turn to take watch for two more hours, but he got to his feet anyhow, quietly exiting the drab tent and inhaling the crisp winter air.

Another deep breath and his feet were taking him to the perimeter of the camp. So Steve had found happiness with a girl, after all. Who could blame him?

That Peggy Carter was one hell of a woman. Steve would have been a fool not to return her advances and despite a penchant for fighting against bullies, Steve was no fool. Bucky found himself running his hand through his hair again, wondering if Steve would like him with longer hair. He held back a bark of laughter; he was lovesick but not crazy. No need to risk the camp security with frivolous noise.

Stalking silently along the edge of the camp, Bucky scanned for signs of Jim, who had drawn the short straw for the extra hour on watch. Bucky whistled soft and low, signaling his presence and held back a grin as Jim searched side to side, trying to find him.

“How do you do that?” he asked once he finally located Bucky along the tree line. “I couldn’t see you until I was three steps away from you.”

“Lots of carrots in my rations.” Bucky shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep. Figured I’d relieve you early.”

Jim’s breath came out in a white puff. “I drew the watch fair and square.”

“No sense in two of us being dead on our feet tomorrow. I’m not gonna be sleeping any time soon,” Bucky said and this time Jim nodded, a small smile on his face.

“Sorry to hear that. Not sorry to get more sleep. See you in the morning, Barnes.” And then Jim was gone, quickly and quietly making his way back to the set of tents.

Bucky patrolled the grounds, varying his speed each lap and forcing his focus towards the forest around them, ignoring the cold settling deep in his chest. He was an idiot - for mooning over his friend who was clearly happy with someone else and for leaving the tent without his warm overcoat. But he couldn’t abandon the watch now, with no one to back him up.

The first ray of sunlight lit the horizon pink-gray when he heard the soft whistle of approach and he turned to see Steve making his way through the underbrush, blue coat in hand.

“Morning.” Steve held it out to Bucky.

“It’s not your shift yet.” He took the coat with a nod of thanks, and didn't put it on.

“You’ve been out here for four hours without a coat.” 

“I’ve kept moving.” Bucky shoved his arms into the jacket. “I’m not a kid. You’re not my mom.”

Steve smiled and god damn if it wasn’t the most disarming flash of a grin. “Aw, c’mon, Buck,” he said. “It’s like when you took care of me all those winters back home. I’m just glad to return the favor.”

The way he casually mentioned “back home” as though he planned to head back to their apartment when the war was over made Bucky’s heart thud. No, Steve wouldn’t be coming home to that apartment. He’d be setting up in some nice house somewhere, with Peggy. And Steve deserved the happiness he would have with her, Bucky reminded himself. He couldn’t blame Steve for not knowing what had been left unsaid.

“You returned the favor and then some when you rescued me,” Bucky muttered. He ignored the flash of pain behind his eyes that flared up whenever he remembered those dark days lying on the ice cold table, colder than the snow around him now.

Steve looked at him, concern flashing around the corners of his eyes, but he refrained from pushing the subject and fell into step besides Bucky as the two of them patrolled together for several silent minutes.

“You should head back to camp for some breakfast before we move out,” Steve said finally. “Zola’s train will be passing through in two hours. No sense in being hungry and tired.”

Either Steve didn’t notice the way Bucky flinched at Zola’s name or he was too polite to say anything and Bucky wasn’t sure which reason was worse. He exhaled harshly, wanting to say so many things and knowing now wasn’t the time or the place.

“Alright,” Bucky said, looking at Steve, “I’ll eat some breakfast. But you and I – we’re going to have a decent sit-down together when this mission is over, just me and you, alright?”

Steve grinned at Bucky, a smile like the ones he gave Bucky back home when they used to dream about the future and Steve would talk about maybe going to art school one day. “Of course, Buck. You and me.”

 

I promise you one day  
I promise you always  
We’ll make it out one day  
I promise you always

The Birthday Massacre - Weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we all know what happens next. 
> 
> /crying


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky wonders "what if" to painful results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guess what! Apparently, this little short one-shot had a short little second part kicking around in my mind. It is set after the events of CATWS, and is basically an 'outtake' from my "Bucky and the Internet" story that I realized worked well with the themes presented in the first part. Enjoy!

“Tell me more about Peggy.” Bucky had been silent at the computer for several minutes and Steve had suspected some sort of question was in the works.

  
“We could probably visit her,” Steve replied, looking up from his sketchbook. “Though she doesn’t remember much these days."

  
“Sorry.” Bucky studied Steve's face, tried to pick out the emotions he was wearing. “Was just thinking about how things might have gone, you know? If I had been around. If you hadn’t been frozen. Lots of things could have been different.”

  
“Playing the ‘what if’ game is only going to hurt you." Steve closed his sketchbook, putting it to the side. “I can’t predict how things could have gone, because even if you weren’t lost to me that day on the train, there was still a war. The next mission could have done me in.” He paused and swallowed. “Or you.”

  
“I know, I know.” Bucky got up from the computer chair to sit on their small but comfy armchair, closer to Steve’s art desk. “I guess I just want to know more about the girl that captured your heart.”

  
“I don’t want to hurt you by talking about what happened in the past.” Steve watched Bucky, and took a moment before speaking again. “I’m not really sure what you want me to say.”

  
Bucky frowned as he considered what he was looking for. “Closure would be nice.” He surprised himself with the amount of anger her felt as he continued, like a rush of warm blood through his body. “Last thing I knew all those years back was that you were gonna settle down after the war and have a perfect, goddamn family with her. Then, surprise, turns out you and I both ended up asleep for a little longer than we expected. And I don’t know how much you might regret that.” His voice cracked slightly. “I don’t know how much you wish I were her.”

  
The clatter of pens and pencils falling accompanied Steve’s abrupt rise from his desk. “Bucky. I want you, as you are, how you are, and who you are. You need to tell me what else you need, because I don’t know what else to give you.”

  
“It’s not like that, Steve,” Bucky said, leaning forward in the chair. “I’m the one who’s been going and seeing Sam for months now, and you’re the one who’s worked out your feelings over the corpses of several dozen punching bags. I’m not claiming superior mental health status or whatever, but you never really talk to me about anything that makes you upset. You never talk to me about things you regret and I know you can’t be living life with no regrets.”

  
“I’ve got regrets, yeah, but so does everyone. And mine aren’t so bad compared to what they could be, so I don’t see any point in worrying about them.” Steve shrugged. “And yes, I did love Peggy Carter once and yes, I probably would have asked her to marry me if things had been different but they weren’t and I don’t _regret_ that at all.”

  
“What did you love about her?” Bucky pressed.

  
“Jesus, Bucky, what are you trying to prove here?” Steve crossed his arms over his chest, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes searching Bucky’s.

  
“I’m not going to break if you tell me why you loved someone before me,” Bucky said. “I just goddamn want to know.”

  
Steve stopped, and then he spoke quietly. “You and her were the only people to ever make me feel like I was ok how I was. Before this.” He gestured to himself, his serum-enhanced muscles and the height that he hadn’t been born with.

  
Bucky paused before crossing the room to stand next to Steve. They were eye to eye. “Do you regret letting them do this to you?” He placed a gentle hand on Steve’s arm.

  
“I’ve been able to help so many people because of it.” Steve leaned into Bucky's touch. “And that kept me going when I woke up seventy years later. I wanted to keep helping. But when I learned Hydra never went down, and when I learned what they had done to you…” he trailed off. “Yeah. Yeah, then I wished I had taken your advice and stayed out of the war.” He paused and the silence settled around the two like a heavy fog. “And I wish I had taken you and told you how I felt about you, feelings that I never quite knew how to put a name to. You could have gone to college and you wouldn’t have had to go overseas and –“ His voice broke off, his fists clenched and his eyes red.

  
Wrapping his arms around Steve in a tight hug, Bucky nodded. “You’re right, Steve. The ‘what if’ game hurts. I’m sorry.”

  
Steve said nothing as he leaned against Bucky’s chest, accepting the hug with a shuddering sigh.


End file.
